Akatsuki Ninja Reborn!
by thescriptwelder
Summary: The Akatsuki are alive, the mafia world is on fire, God is dead. All is well.
1. Chapter 1

When Deidara woke up, he immediately realized several things were wrong.

One, everything looks fucking tall.

Two, he was in some alley. Where? He didn't know.

Three, other Akatsuki members were there with him, waking up or awake.

Four, he shouldn't be waking up, and neither should the rest of the Akatsuki because they were all _fucking dead._

Kisame woke up with a slight groan. Deidara saw realization, then alarm and confusion cross the shark/man thing's face.

"Aren't you all dead?" the shark/man asked.

"Yes." Konan, who was already awake, nodded. As if this were normal.

Hidan woke with a scream and punched Itachi, who was slowly waking up next to him, in the face. Itachi punched Hidan back, and Hidan attempted to start a fistfight, although Kakuzu intervened before things escalated.

Hidan seemed to realize that he wasn't where he was supposed to be. "What the fuck?"

Deidara noticed Sasori in the corner, drawing patterns in the dirt. His face was blank, staring at nothing. "I was killed by a pink-haired girl," he whispered. "And my grandma..."

Deidara winced. This was the closest to emotional Sasori could get.

"Everyone's awake," stated Pein, who had been waiting patiently for everyone to wake up. "Good. We must make a plan—"

"Right, planning," interrupted Hidan, "That's fucking good 'n all, but what the hell is the snake fucker doing here?" the Immortal asked, gesturing to Orochimaru.

The scientist shrugged. Then hissed. Deidara shuddered slightly. Creepy bastard.

Tobi, or Obito, Deidara didn't fucking know, spoke up. "Uh, before we get to the planning part, I just want everyone to know that I'm very sorry for lying to all of you for about...well, basically as long as I've known you, and, for the record, I didn't mean to lead you to your deaths. I was trying to make you hallucinate so that your dreams come true by putting you in a genjutsu. Forever." Tobito winced. "That sounds bad now that I hear myself."

"Don't worry, you son of a bitch," reassured Hidan. "I forgive you. People murder and fool me all the time. Just look at Kakuzu."

Everyone did in time to witness him face-palming.

Deidara felt the urge to copy him.

Sasori raised his hand with a flat look on his face. "I think I was dead for this," he says dully. "What the hell."

"...Er, anyway..." Konan trailed off. "First we need to find a base of operations. Discreetly."

Kisame frowned. "No action for me."

"Why the fuck not?" Hidan, the dumbass, wondered.

Kisame looked at the immortal oddly. "I'm a walking shark. My skin is blue. I have a sword with fucking feelings."

Hidan blinked.

"Itachi, Sasori and..." Pein hesitated. "Tobi. Madara. Obito..? What _is _your name?"

"Just call me Obito. Or Tobi. Or Tobito. It doesn't matter." Tobito shrugged.

"Wait..." Kisame trailed off. "We're taking the guy who betrayed, deceived, and led us to our deaths, with us? That sounds stupid, Hidan level stupid." He paused. "Sorry, Hidan."

Hidan shrugged. "Death kinda made me soft, so I won't sacrifice ya."

Itachi walked up to Tobito with a completely neutral look on his face. "If you betray us...I will stab you."

Deidara blinked. "That's a rather _bland_ threat, un." That came out more aggressively than he'd intended, but then again, he _did_ hate the guy.

Itachi glanced at him. "I suppose so..." he trailed off, pausing in thought. He nodded to himself. "Okay, allow me to rephrase that. If you betray us, I will tie you to a pole, cut out your vital organs and carve them into cute little animal pieces and shove them down your throat before dismembering your arm and beating you to death with it. I will then proceed to shove it down your throat, then hang you by the ceiling to bleed out, thereafter, I will take a boat paddle and beat you with it until I am confident you are dead. Once I am sure you are deceased, I will create a soup out of your remains and feed it to everyone you've ever loved."

_Silence_.

"Oh, and Zetsu," Itachi began, turning to Zetsu...Who was now a potted plant with a face on it? Itachi kicked him. "Go fuck yourself."

"Hot damn, I am questioning my sexuality," Hidan stated, impressed.

"I did not need or want to know that." Kakuzu glared at the zealot. Hidan ignored him.

"The rest of us will find a base. Sasori and Deidara will rendezvous with you here in an hour," Pein continued as if the conversation never happened.

"Why the fuck should we listen to you?" growled Hidan.

Deidara frowned. "Because we're in unfamiliar territory, and the only familiar thing we have is each other, un. Because we've worked together before, we have the advantage of knowing each other, which makes it easier to trust and work with one another, un. That would be our only advantage here, un," the bomber explained.

Hidan pouted but didn't argue. The zealot already knew that—one couldn't just become S-class without some intellectual ability—although he didn't want to admit it. They might need each other.

And damn, wasn't that a punch in the balls?

"Alright," interjected Konan. "Scatter!"

Sasori was killed.

By a pink haired girl.

He was also reformed.

He doesn't remember why he did that. Maybe he shouldn't kill his emotions. Yeah. Good idea.

The redhead had noticed some strange things—other than the unfamiliar world. He was no longer a puppet. He'd also given some Suna-brat his puppets, and he doesn't have his stuff, so the puppet-master was puppet-less.

How the hell did that happen?

Sasori and Itachi had split; Sasori was capable on his own, and so was Itachi—although, the Uchiha had taken Tobito with him since he was familiar with the Sharingan. Sasori didn't argue.

So far, Sasori had found out that the natives spoke in an odd dialect similar to the one used in the Elemental Countries, not quite the same, but close enough to understand and adopt it. The land they were in was called Japan, and redheads were not normal; they thought he'd changed his natural hair color. Which was ridiculous. However, they seemed to think him troublesome due to his bright hair, so he caught on to the fact that he should henge to become less noticeable.

Tokyo was the city the Akatsuki was in. There was no ninja. Nobody carried around weapons, or weapon pouches, which meant that the population was large, if not entirely, civilian. By look around a shop with odd books, he found that they had weapons they called "guns", which shot pellets they call "bullets".

Their clothing was rather strange, as well. They didn't wear mesh or cloaks; they wore odd shirts made of unfamiliar fabrics with designs on them.

Further investigation in shops revealed they didn't use Ryo as currency. By hanging around the cashier, he found that the currency was "yen".

Once Sasori found a map, he realized they were nowhere near the Elemental Countries. In fact, they didn't even _exist_. There was no ninjutsu, genjutsu, nothing. No ninja, no chakra. It was completely mundane, civilian.

Nearly nobody was a threat.

When approximately forty-five minutes passed, he rendezvoused with Itachi and the Traitorous Brat and found they had nearly the same information. The further assessment found that this place was much more technologically advanced, and yet much more harmless than the Elemental Nations.

They could live a normal life.

That was something to swallow.


	2. Chapter 2

_Forgot to mention this, but I de-aged the characters. Here are the ages:_

_Deidara - 9_

_Hidan - 12_

_Itachi - 11_

_Kakuzu - It doesn't matter, because even if his body's de-aged, he's been pretty unchanged for decades. It doesn't make any difference to him._

_Kisame - 23_

_Konan - 25_

_Nagato - 25_

_Obito - 21_

_Orochimaru - 44_

_Sasori - 25_

* * *

"We need to create new identities for ourselves," declares Nagato when the group Rendez-Vous in a warehouse. "And learn how their...advanced society works," he adds reluctantly.

"I'd like to opt out," drawls Kisame, as he lays sprawled on the floor.

"That's not allowed."

"Then I'd like to file a complaint."

"..."

"Uh, if I may speak, Nagato-san?" asks Obito/Tobi/what's-his-face hesitantly, raising his hand like a school child.

"NO."

"May I speak, L...Nagato-san?" asks Itachi.

"Go ahead," allows Nagato immediately.

He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named throws his hands out incredulously. "How is that fair!?" he cries.

"WHAAT THE _FUCK_ IS THAT!?" Hidan screams, terrified, pointing at something Orochimaru is holding.

"Snake-Cake, what are you holding in your arms?" sings Sasori. The rogue nin giggles maniacally for a few seconds before entering an odd state of depression, growing mushrooms in the corner.

Deidara stares at the redhead, horrified. "...Drugs..?" the blonde whispers, fearing for his life.

Sasori just grins widely with tears dramatically streaming down his face.

"..._Anyways..._ What _is_ that?" Kisame questions Orochimaru. Attention is brought back to the snake-like man.

"My pet dragon," Orochimaru promptly responds. The creature he is holding is small, scaly, and looks similar to a tiny dragon, but it doesn't have wings.

"Dragons don't exist," denies Deidara bluntly.

"Then why am I holding one?"

Itachi coughs pointedly. "We were in the middle of something important," he says cooly. "And that's a lizard," he informs them, gesturing to the creature in Orochimaru's arms. "As I was saying, I doubt we need to create identities for ourselves. We are shinobi in a world of civilians."

"He's got a point. We could just beat the shit out of them." Kisame shrugs. "Our plan is this- wing it."

"That is a terrible, horrible, incredibly foolish plan." Nagato pauses. "Let's do it and see what happens."

* * *

In the end, the group finds an old, abandoned house. It's pretty old, and crappy, so they decide to make Deidara, Sasori, Nagato, Kakuzu, and Orochimaru to fix it up. Deidara, because of his earth style and bombs. Sasori because of his chakra strings, because he's used to making things and Deidara is his emotional support partner and they really don't want to find out what'll happen if they are separated. Nagato, because _duh_, _rinnegan leader. _Kakuzu because he's immortal, strong, and they need a heavy lifter. Orochimaru, because he's the master of secret bases.

They make a _fucking mansion _out of it. Complete with multiple underground levels, booby traps, genjutsu, secret rooms, and locks.

Hidan whistles impressed. "Hot damn!" he exclaims.

Orochimaru flicks his tongue out. "She's a beaut, isn't she," he purrs creepily. The others look at him oddly. Orochimaru grins widely and proudly, flamboyantly thrusting his arms out, "Let's name her Pam!"

"Holy fuck, that's a shit name-!" Hidan screeches.

"For once I agree with Hidan," Kakuzu says solemnly.

"-We should name her Hussy Harlot!"

"Its name is Pam," Kakuzu contradicts immediately.

* * *

The group is gathered in what's supposed to be the living area. It's a barren room.

Deidara winces as he sits down on the hard floor. "We need furniture..." Deidara trails off as Sasori pulls Deidara against him, cuddling him like a teddy bear. Deidara stares at the redhead with a _wtf_ look on his face.

"What?" asks Sasori.

"Aww, that's cute," Konan coos. "Deidara looks so young! It's adorable!"

"What happened to us..?" whispers Deidara. "We used to be feared criminals, un..."

Kisame sighs. "Those were the golden days."

"Ahem." Nagato coughs pointedly. "The house-"

Orochimaru glares threateningly.

"Err... _Pam_," Nagato continues awkwardly, "has been made. It-"

"_Ahem._"

"-_Pam_ still needs to be furnished, however, in the meantime I'll ask Sasori..." the ex-Rain ninja looked at the other redhead to see that he was playing with Deidara's hair while giggling like a little girl. "...Actually, on second thought, Deidara, you can tell everyone about, uh, Pam."

The youngest Akatsuki member sighed, he was so _done._ "Ugh, Everyone gets a roommate, un. Except for Pein and Konan, 'cause Konan's a girl, and uneven numbers. It'll be in the hallway across from the front door. The first six doors are gonna be bedrooms, un. Kakuzu and Orochimaru are together because nobody gives a shit if Kakuzu kills Orochimaru or not," the blond states evenly.

"Hey!" Orochimaru cries, offended. He pauses. "Yeah, I don't really blame you." He turns to Kakuzu. "Don't worry Kaku-chan, even if you kill me, I won't hate you. Beware of my STDs."

"What the actual fuck?" Deidara looks disgusted. "Gross. Anyways, Kisame and Shitface are gonna be roommates, un. That's 'cause Shitface was a dickhead and for whatever reason Kisame's the one who survived the longest. Other than Shitface, of course."

"I'm guessing that I'm Shitface." Obito sighs. "That's fair."

"You and I are gonna have a _lot_ of fun tonight," Kisame trills unsettlingly.

"_Okayy_... Obviously, Sasori and I are going to be bunking together, because I'm pretty sure he isn't stable and, honestly, do any of you _really_ want to deal with that?" The bomber questions, gesturing to Sasori, who hasn't let go of him. "That leaves Hidan with Itachi."

Kakuzu winces. "Oof," he says monotonously.

"Itachi, we're gonna be best buds-"

"Another word and I'll smother you in your sleep," Itachi hisses uncharacteristically.

* * *

_It has been _way_ too long since I've updated...any of my stories to be honest, and I plan on remedying that. Sorry about the long wait. I had a serious case of writer's block._


End file.
